Tag Archives: comedy

Caturday: The Beginning of an Era

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I’ve been brainstorming ideas for posts I could have as a weekly installment, and what could possibly be better than CATURDAY??? If you know me, you know I love cats! I even own my own cat! His name is Frances and he lives with my parents right now because my roommates have severe allergies and cats aren’t allowed in college dorms. Not that I didn’t consider hiding him. Here’s a picture!

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Meow

Don’t tell him I put that up, it’s not the most flattering of pictures and he might get mad and piss on my bed. Now to continue about other cats! So, the basis of Caturday is that I would post a good cat picture every Saturday (get it? Caturday? lol) that is a top notch cat photo and not some run of the mill cat photo. For the first week, I have chosen one of my favorites.

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Many a cat owner has said that their cat acts like they rule the world. This is because they truly believe that they do rule the world. And one day they might, which will be a day filled with cat nip craziness followed by naps. The look of pure shock on this cat’s face is similar to mine when I went to Panera Bread the other week and they were out of broccoli cheddar soup. WHAT DO YOU MEAN????

I hope you have enjoyed the first Caturday post and you can expect another one next Saturday!

Channeling Your Essence

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One of my favorite things to do is to request the “essence” of something I’m ordering. Examples:

1. Hi, I’d like a venti non-fat soy latte with two pumps caramel and essence of whipped cream. Literally put on whipped cream. Leave it for a second or two. Let it soak in, but just slightly. I don’t want any actual whipped cream. Now scoop it off. Thank you.

2. Aloha, I’d like an iced water with essence of ice.  No, I don’t want it served to me with ice in it. Put the ice in. Then take it out. Make sure the ice doesn’t turn into water because I asked for iced water, not watered ice. Thank you.

3. Hello there, I’d like a pepperoni pizza with essence of cheese. No, I don’t want cheese on it when I eat it, but I want it cooked with cheese. No no no the sauce gets way too dry if you put it in the oven without cheese. Make it like a normal pizza. Then lift off all the pepperoni and take off the cheese. Put the pepperoni back on. No, I don’t want to do it myself, do I look like I work in a pizzeria? No I’m not going to pay you extra. Thank you.

4. Howdy, could I please have a sandwich with essence of bacon. Is there any way you could heat up some bacon and then waft it onto the bread? I’m on a diet and I don’t want to actually eat the bacon, but if I could pretend then that would be swell. Thanks a ton.

5. I’m doing fine, could I possibly have a pie with the essence of blueberry filling. Fill it. Bake it. Scrape it out. Great, thanks, bye.

It’s the best and most annoying way to order something, and I fully support it.