Moon Exhausted After Highly Publicized Performance

Outer Space – Last night was a big one for the Moon. The whole world tuned in as the massive rock completed the impressive act of a superblood lunar eclipse. I was lucky enough to catch up with the gigantic … Continue reading

Area Man Announces He Will Not Be Running For President In 2016

Souix Falls, SD – It’s official. Area man Dan Jackson has made the announcement that he will not be running for the position of President of the United States in the 2016 election. A run-of-the-mill plumber, Jackson felt the need to … Continue reading

Motivational Speaker Lacks Motivation

Tulsa, OK – It’s been a rough month for professional motivational speaker Sammy “Sunshine” Newsome. “I just don’t have any drive lately,” states the author of the book Getting Knocked Down and Getting Back Up Again: Finding Inspiration in the Hits … Continue reading

Do You See What I See?: Sea Otter Determined Cutest Animal

Cambridge, MA – A scientist at a local university has made a breakthrough discovery that potentially will change some lives somewhere in some way or another. “Based on my research, I have been able to determine that sea otters are actually … Continue reading

Dog Feels Strong Need To Point Out Humans While On Walks

NellieSyracuse, NY – As we go throughout our day-to-day business, there are constant distractions that tend to pull us away from whatever is in our dish. Local canine Nellie Meyers, a self-defined “person dog,” is dealing with a problem that tends to take her off the beaten walking route. Just two years old, Nellie has found that she’s had these strong urges since puppyhood. “I’ll be walking down the street, occasionally eating my own business, when I see a human and just can’t help but smile and want to touch it!” the chocolate lab exclaims, staring out the window and contemplating whether or not her tail is part of her, or if she is part of her tail. Nellie has found that she goes so far as attempting to touch the human if allowed and even considering getting a person like that for herself once she has a job and her own place. “My partner is allergic to humans so it’s unlikely I will ever be able to keep one. I guess I’ll have to settle for these brief encounters on the street,” states the pooch, who hopes to one day discover if it is she who really is a good dog.

Tween Headed in One Direction: Down the Wedding Aisle

Detroit, MI – “Oh my god it’s today. The concert is today.” Tween superfan Brittany “Britt” Williams has been waiting for months, no wait, years for this opportunity to see One Direction, her favorite boy band in the whole entire … Continue reading

Obama Regrets Casually Using the Phrase “Sue Me”

Washington, DC – Just last week Republicans of Congress voted to sue Mr. Barack Obama, current President of the United States and Scrabble enthusiast, for his usage of executive orders that has been deemed unconstitutional. This event caused Obama, who … Continue reading