One of my favorite things to do is to request the “essence” of something I’m ordering. Examples:

1. Hi, I’d like a venti non-fat soy latte with two pumps caramel and essence of whipped cream. Literally put on whipped cream. Leave it for a second or two. Let it soak in, but just slightly. I don’t want any actual whipped cream. Now scoop it off. Thank you.

2. Aloha, I’d like an iced water with essence of ice.  No, I don’t want it served to me with ice in it. Put the ice in. Then take it out. Make sure the ice doesn’t turn into water because I asked for iced water, not watered ice. Thank you.

3. Hello there, I’d like a pepperoni pizza with essence of cheese. No, I don’t want cheese on it when I eat it, but I want it cooked with cheese. No no no the sauce gets way too dry if you put it in the oven without cheese. Make it like a normal pizza. Then lift off all the pepperoni and take off the cheese. Put the pepperoni back on. No, I don’t want to do it myself, do I look like I work in a pizzeria? No I’m not going to pay you extra. Thank you.

4. Howdy, could I please have a sandwich with essence of bacon. Is there any way you could heat up some bacon and then waft it onto the bread? I’m on a diet and I don’t want to actually eat the bacon, but if I could pretend then that would be swell. Thanks a ton.

5. I’m doing fine, could I possibly have a pie with the essence of blueberry filling. Fill it. Bake it. Scrape it out. Great, thanks, bye.

It’s the best and most annoying way to order something, and I fully support it.