My WebMD: A Personal History of Self-Diagnosis

It’s been a full month since my last post. I feel like I’m constantly apologizing on this blog, but I also think I’m constantly apologizing in real life as well. Be it for running into you, making you feel extremely … Continue reading

I Win Things: A Look Into My History of Luck

Over many years I have entered many contests. From sweepstakes to raffles, I’m one of those people who enters because someone has to win! Why not me? Some of these have been extremely successful and that just drives me to … Continue reading

Why I Missed Caturday

Firstly, I would like to apologize for missing Caturday. But I can guarantee that I missed it for a good reason. 1. Food Trucks This past Saturday I went to a food truck festival on the Charles River. There were … Continue reading

Channeling Your Essence

One of my favorite things to do is to request the “essence” of something I’m ordering. Examples:

1. Hi, I’d like a venti non-fat soy latte with two pumps caramel and essence of whipped cream. Literally put on whipped cream. Leave it for a second or two. Let it soak in, but just slightly. I don’t want any actual whipped cream. Now scoop it off. Thank you.

2. Aloha, I’d like an iced water with essence of ice.  No, I don’t want it served to me with ice in it. Put the ice in. Then take it out. Make sure the ice doesn’t turn into water because I asked for iced water, not watered ice. Thank you.

3. Hello there, I’d like a pepperoni pizza with essence of cheese. No, I don’t want cheese on it when I eat it, but I want it cooked with cheese. No no no the sauce gets way too dry if you put it in the oven without cheese. Make it like a normal pizza. Then lift off all the pepperoni and take off the cheese. Put the pepperoni back on. No, I don’t want to do it myself, do I look like I work in a pizzeria? No I’m not going to pay you extra. Thank you.

4. Howdy, could I please have a sandwich with essence of bacon. Is there any way you could heat up some bacon and then waft it onto the bread? I’m on a diet and I don’t want to actually eat the bacon, but if I could pretend then that would be swell. Thanks a ton.

5. I’m doing fine, could I possibly have a pie with the essence of blueberry filling. Fill it. Bake it. Scrape it out. Great, thanks, bye.

It’s the best and most annoying way to order something, and I fully support it.