Please do not misinterpret the title of this post. This will not tell you how to not embarrass yourself. I cannot help you with that, nor can I help you solve a Rubix cube, nor can I pass a dog … Continue reading
Tag Archives: list
My WebMD: A Personal History of Self-Diagnosis
It’s been a full month since my last post. I feel like I’m constantly apologizing on this blog, but I also think I’m constantly apologizing in real life as well. Be it for running into you, making you feel extremely … Continue reading
I Win Things: A Look Into My History of Luck
Over many years I have entered many contests. From sweepstakes to raffles, I’m one of those people who enters because someone has to win! Why not me? Some of these have been extremely successful and that just drives me to … Continue reading
Why I Missed Caturday
Firstly, I would like to apologize for missing Caturday. But I can guarantee that I missed it for a good reason. 1. Food Trucks This past Saturday I went to a food truck festival on the Charles River. There were … Continue reading
My Forever Lunches
Food is one of my closest friends. It’s way up there with sleep and my cat. Today I was with some friends that I like a little less than the previously stated nouns and we chit chatted about what food … Continue reading
My Genetic Flaws
Nobody’s perfect, Hannah Montana said it herself. We all have flaws that we identify and recognize in ourselves. Some choose to take action and attempt to counteract these personal blemishes, and I definitely do this. Then there are things about … Continue reading
The Places I Sweat Profusely Where I’m Sure No One Else Does
I attend a private university that costs an absurdly large amount of money. We have some nice newly built or renovated building on our campus, so you would expect our gym to be awesome, right? Wrong. Not only does it … Continue reading
Why I Would Suck At Being Famous
I’ve wanted to be famous for forever. My dream is to have people know me and think I’m cool, because no one has ever known me and thought I was cool. However, I think I would be shit at it. … Continue reading
Channeling Your Essence
One of my favorite things to do is to request the “essence” of something I’m ordering. Examples:
1. Hi, I’d like a venti non-fat soy latte with two pumps caramel and essence of whipped cream. Literally put on whipped cream. Leave it for a second or two. Let it soak in, but just slightly. I don’t want any actual whipped cream. Now scoop it off. Thank you.
2. Aloha, I’d like an iced water with essence of ice. No, I don’t want it served to me with ice in it. Put the ice in. Then take it out. Make sure the ice doesn’t turn into water because I asked for iced water, not watered ice. Thank you.
3. Hello there, I’d like a pepperoni pizza with essence of cheese. No, I don’t want cheese on it when I eat it, but I want it cooked with cheese. No no no the sauce gets way too dry if you put it in the oven without cheese. Make it like a normal pizza. Then lift off all the pepperoni and take off the cheese. Put the pepperoni back on. No, I don’t want to do it myself, do I look like I work in a pizzeria? No I’m not going to pay you extra. Thank you.
4. Howdy, could I please have a sandwich with essence of bacon. Is there any way you could heat up some bacon and then waft it onto the bread? I’m on a diet and I don’t want to actually eat the bacon, but if I could pretend then that would be swell. Thanks a ton.
5. I’m doing fine, could I possibly have a pie with the essence of blueberry filling. Fill it. Bake it. Scrape it out. Great, thanks, bye.
It’s the best and most annoying way to order something, and I fully support it.