The Onion recently had a competition to “Show us you’re nothing by sharing your boring, meaningless story on why you, and you alone, are the half-witted, filth-encrusted cretin most deserving of our disdain” in a 300 word essay. If chosen, I would have the opportunity to sit in on a writers meeting and travel to San Diego to go on a beer tour with a member of their staff! (!!!!) I chose to partake in said competition, and here is my official entry. Unfortunately, gifs could not be included in my actual entry, but I included slight descriptions and have the live Harry Potter-esque moving images here for you to enjoy.
Five Reasons Why My Value is Equivalent to That of a Tagless Beanie Baby
1. I’m an A-list celebrity in Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood game. As valuable as I am in that reality, I am equally as useless in this one. I set alarms in the middle of the night to do photo shoots and bought a virtual tank top for 975 dollars.
2. I frequently take Buzzfeed quizzes and truly care about the outcomes. According to this cornucopia of gag-inducing community posts, I’m a magical sloth, should hook up with Eric from The Little Mermaid, and am destined to be single. I told Prince Eric we couldn’t date because of the results of the third quiz.
3. My proudest moment is when Aaron Carter followed me on Twitter after I devoted hours to tweeting his own lyrics at him. I even attended one of his lip-synced concerts. Aaron subsequently unfollowed me several months ago in an epiphany that his #ACArmy wasn’t all true fans. In spite of continued proclamations of eternal devotion, Aaron has yet to again acknowledge my existence on Twitter. This caused my worth to hit Absolute Zero, which was thought to be scientifically impossible.
4. My most-played song of all time is “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction. I listened to it on repeat for three months straight and it fits into a half hour exactly 9 times.
5. I nap more than your average 2-year-old and often plan my day around napping. In fact, I napped while writing this and only woke up because I had a virtual reality photo shoot scheduled.