Madison, WI – 22-year-old Harriet Reed graduated from a four-year private university this past May. “As I enter the real world with crippling debt due to student loans, the real crippling debt is in my heart,” states the young adult, who just can’t seem to find a job that both pays well and seems even mildly interesting. “I was hoping to find my husband on the quad or amongst the stacks of books in the library before graduation, but I’ve decided that is more of a guideline than a rule,” Reed comments. “Apparently the vast majority of alumni from my school marry other alumni, so maybe my dream man just hasn’t graduated yet!” Sources say that Reed was spotted in the dining hall last Tuesday afternoon and was recorded telling a freshman student that she was also the captain of her track team in high school. Campus police have been made aware of her incessant presence and have started patrolling senior housing on Friday nights, where Reed has been seen trying to climb through windows to get into parties. “She said she was homesick also, I didn’t think she would try to trick me into signing a pre-nup in my dorm lounge!”says sophomore English major Derek Isaacs, who met Reed at a school sponsored event where students made their own version of Build-A-Bears. Only time will tell the fate of this disillusioned young woman, who recently tweeted about how she “can’t wait for the five year reunion! #thanksobama.”